11 Sep 2018 The Most Dangerous Career Derailers (Part 2) – Managing Your Frustrations
“I cannot take this anymore,” said Darren at our coaching session. “I am so frustrated with my boss. I wish I had the guts to just pack up and go somewhere else.” I paused for a moment and then I asked Darren: “And how would you make sure that your frustrations will not accompany you to your next job? Can you ever find a workplace which is completely free of frustrating situations?” “You’re right,” said Darren. “My frustrations result from the way I respond to the challenges I face. And I will probably face similar challenges wherever I go.”
“Tell me, coach,” he said. “How can I overcome this burning sense of frustration that I so often feel?”
Very often our frustrations emanate from a poor relationship with our boss. Other times it comes from our inability to command the respect of other leaders in the organization and persuade them of the value of our point of view or solution. And sometimes it comes from a sour relationship with a peer or even a direct report.
What is frustration and why is it such a strong emotion?
Frustration emanates from the difference between expectations and reality.
The greater this gap, the more debilitating our feeling of frustration.
Overcoming the Frustration Derailer
Described below is an approach to overcoming your frustration at work (and at home). If you are prepared to practice it consistently over a period of time, you will notice a demonstrable change in how you respond to the challenges that life presents you. For the purpose of this discussion, I will use the example of being frustrated with your boss, but the approach can be applied to any frustrating situation you may face.
1. Here Is Your Goal
If you really want to get your frustrations under control, you should set yourself a goal of practicing the approach outlined below with diligence and consistency until you fully habitualize it; until you can execute it automatically, without consciously thinking about each step; and until it becomes second nature to you.
This may take three to six months of deliberate and disciplined practice. But after a while, you will start noticing the fruits of your labor. As you progress you will become increasingly confident in your ability to become the master of your own destiny.
2. Develop Real-time Self-awareness
The first and most important step is to cultivate your real-time self-awareness of the onslaught of frustration. “Oh Oh. Here it comes again. I can feel it viscerally. My frustration is taking over again.”
The emotional state of frustration can manifest itself in different ways. For some, it results in deep anger and aggression. For others, it is demoralizing and disheartening. Yet others become passive-aggressive as they begin to harbor resentment.
Whatever your particular response, try to connect with your emotions as soon as you notice them taking over. Ask yourself what kind of emotions am I feeling right now? How strong are they? How are they influencing my state of mind?
3. Put On Your Positive Thinking Hat
As soon as you’ve noticed the negative effect of frustration descending upon you, take a deep breath, pull out your positive thinking hat and put it on. Literally visualize yourself doing this symbolic action. Think to yourself: “I am now activating my Anti-frustration Strategy and I will be successful in executing it.”
This positive self-affirmation will help shift you into another frame of mind. One in which you will feel more in control of your responses, irrespective of how challenging the situation may be.
4. Your Expectations
Once you regained your composure ask yourself: “What expectations did I have coming into this meeting or situation?”
If this is a planned meeting, I recommend that you always think about your expectations ahead of time, before you step into the meeting. But sometimes you will find yourself in ad-hoc situations in which you were not able to think about your expectations in advance. In these cases, you will have to think quickly “on your feet” about your expectations (conscious or subconscious) and how you would like the situation to unfold.
The more quickly you can get in touch with your expectations, the more you will be able to take control of the situation and respond in an appropriate way.
5. The Reality
Your next challenge is to understand the reality you’re in and map it to your expectations. For example:
- You may have stepped into the meeting expecting your boss to extend the due date of your deliverables, or to grant you the extra resources you requested for your project. But your boss showed absolutely no sympathy and did not grant your request.
- You may go into a meeting with a solution you are very excited about, which you know will work and will result in great benefits to your company. But your boss said “NO”.
- You may expect your boss to support you in a conflict situation between you and a colleague because you are absolutely convinced that you have done nothing wrong. But your boss decided to side with the other person.
As you are considering your reality versus your expectations, try to understand where is your boss coming from. Why is he or she taking a position which is so contrary to your expectations? Understanding his or her position will help you respond in a more constructive manner.
6. Your Response
Some people can think very quickly on their feet and come up with an appropriate response within a split second. Others take a longer time to formulate an appropriate response. Knowing where you fall on the spectrum will help you make the best out of any situation, irrespective of your natural response time.
If you feel that you do not have an appropriate response at the moment, you could “pull out” a canned response, which you have practiced well in advance and which you can execute with confidence.
For example, you could say something like: “I think I understand where you’re coming from the boss, but I would like to have more time to think about it”. Your boss will be very curious to know what is on your mind, and may ask you: “What do you mean?” But you are not going to fall into the trap of allowing the conversation to continue when you feel vulnerable. Instead, you will pull out your smartphone and say: “What is the best time to have coffee over the next couple of days, so that I can share my thoughts with you”.
7. The Most Important Step
This is the most important step in the process of habitualizing your new response to frustrating situations. As soon as you can after the meeting, take some time off, go to the nearest coffee shop (or another quiet place), pull out your Change Journal, and write down the experience you just went through in as much detail as you can.
Write down the situation, your expectations, the reality that confronted you, the frustration that you experienced, your emotional response (anger, disappointment, sadness, etc.), your ability to put on your Positive Thinking Hat, your ability to see the point of view of your boss, your verbal response, how your boss reacted to it, how you felt about your boss’s reaction, etc.
Then write down what worked well for you, what did not work well, and how you will improve your reaction next time.
8. Consult With Your Mentor or Coach
The last step is to review the incidence with your mentor or coach at the nearest opportunity. This discussion will motivate you to keep going and will help reinforce your commitment to practice and perfect your response to frustrating situations.
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I hope that some of these ideas resonate with you. And I invite you to share your comments on our blog, whether you agree with these ideas or you want to challenge them. If you wish to have a one-on-one discussion with me on any of this, please do not hesitate to contact me at Uri@thewilltocahnge.com.
Learn More:
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